Life is CHANGING

My life in Bristol has been abhorrent. I loved teaching and the days I spent at home reading, playing the piano or guitar, studying, and spending time with my parents. The social scene has been so-so. The desire to flee is overwhelming. I have allowed myself to obsess over ridiculous things, and I want to change and be a better person in a better place. I realize that a change in location will not automatically better things for me, and a happier disposition requires so much of my own effort. I think that the change in location will be beneficial because it always has been for me in the past.

Screw this city and this lifestyle I have maintained for the past 5 months. I cannot wait to WORK and earn money. I do not care what I do, but I want to be kept busy and to learn new things, meet new people, and have new adventures. I can't wait to get out of here!

I want SO much out of life. I will confess it all right now. I eventually want a good job. To some, this goes without saying. I want to save money and have a nice apartment with wonderful (but not too many) accessories and tools. I want the lifestyle of a minimalist. I want urban and maybe both the city and countryside. I want to surround myself with beauty, health and athleticism (not that hippy dippy yoga health but just general health...I'll just say this: I want to surround myself with vegetables). I want a funny, entrepreneurial, handsome, Mann who adores me. And that is all. When can this happen? 

联系

我的记忆不好。

我今天得给我自己一个小考试， 但是每周都考验自己有什么用？

我现在的谷歌Chrome的soso不行。 我突然一点汉子都不能写。 这个对我来说是一个很倒霉的事情因为我的谷歌里面是有一个很好的翻译软件。 中国的Explorer 没有这个翻译的软件。

我的叔叔在我家现在。 这个Memorial Day 他是过来看看我母亲， 他的妹妹。 说实话， 我不喜欢和他聊天。 我现在讨厌我自己因为我语言水平没有什么大进步， 我也没有得到了一个好的工作， 也浪费了很多我的时间。 这对我来说是一个不可原谅的事情。

我需要学新的东西， 得了新的知识， 不想再浪费任何时间。 但是我这样的人，我发现我好不容易坚持下去。 我的转心里有点不行的啦。 我这怎么办呢。 这算是我最大的浩劫。 

Bristol Rant

I want to share with you something I've learned. It was a mistake to take a degree in anthropology because I can't stand primitive people - they're dumb. 

The Cartesian dictum "I think therefore I am" might better be expressed "Hey, there goes Edna with a saxophone!"

The mired image of a Bristol hipster sophisticate swimming through my head.Confident folk but isn't confidence what you have before you understand the problem?

Europe - can you guess the cities? 

Why care to have rich experiences in alternate lives? You read books, see interesting lifestyles on TV, and I actually want to know these people and see if I can mingle. I wish I could alter my hopes and desires, and maybe such aspirations with result in catastrophe. Constant struggle Madame Bovary style, but if you aren't happy and content then you must leave. But if 80% of success is just showing up, all I have to do is be in that place, and I am set.

America is difficult in that I am hours and hours away from urban areas. But, on a brighter note, I am much closer to cows and Baptist preachers. If I were from the Netherlands, an urban hub would be only a couple hours away from my hometown, and Paris, London, Berlin, and other European beauties (including Sophia Loren, Kate Middleton and the lady in the enchanted castle commercial) would be only a train ride away.

I am very humble, but very few people know the amount I have experienced. Most think I was in China for a few years and that I taught English and then got my Master's in Germany. I think many fail to realize how self-sufficient, confident, and fearless I am. I know many people who have gone to China through agencies and then rely on the agent to take care of all the problems, housing concerns, translation concerns, etc. etc. Not me. I found the school by myself and I thrived in unknown areas. I can somehow figure out exactly what I need to be doing and how I need to treat situations in order to do well and not, well, die or look stupid. I navigated China for years, job after job, friend after friend, connection after connection, apartment after apartment, and I eventually accomplished everything I wanted to accomplish. I did not go through some dinky agency to teach English in China, no, I found the rural school I was after and accomplished my duties there. After that, I spotted just want I wanted in Beijing - a downtown apartment, a sweet office job, and close friends. I see all that as something I was able to accomplish within a year. After I had had enough of all that (or after I could not see much more of a future for myself in China), I was ready for Europe. I learned some German and I finished my Master's thesis in time.

NOW WHY THE STRUGGLES? I thrive while abroad, and now the tables have turned. I am so scared and cannot thrive in my native environment...

Oh and I am also really happy with my last relationship in Europe. But, alas, we are too different, and I think he is an excellent companion nonetheless and I am happy to have spent 2 wonderful years with him.

In the meantime, furthering of dread and disgust as role as substitute teacher has come to close. Alas, none of the NGOs, Think-Tanks, or blue-chip firms have called me back.

Bristol is always my post-abroad experience, and can the American happiness I am looking for be found elsewhere, or am I so deeply changed and different from my fellow Americans that I won't be able to stand their selfish, self-important, greedy, better-than-you attitudes. This behavior does not exist in communist societies, and we as humans are not so far removed from these comrades.

The main thing for me is that there is nothing of purpose to do in Bristol. I enjoyed the teaching experience, but other than that, my stimulation has come in very limited form these past 5 months. Physically, I have run and biked a lot, and intellectually I have tried my hardest given no classes, no clubs, no foreigners. Emotionally, I have steered clear of every pass made at me just based on the fact that I know exactly what I am looking for and I have my exact preferences. I need BIG because the universe is big and complicated and I do not want to dwell on a select few. On that note, I believe that there is something out there watching us, but unfortunately it is the government.

I have always always had an affinity for deadpan mathematicians and engineers or aspiring entrepreneurs, but not insurance salesmen because they are always trying to sell you insurance. The other day, on lunch break in the teachers' lounge, I was stuck sipping coffee beside an insurance salesman and it was one of the most harrowing and terrible experiences in this world besides Auschwitz and the Big Bang. 

My Favorite Woody Allen Films

Woody Allen is my idol, and I've decided to rank my favorite Woody Allen films. Elaboration may be included later. 

1) Love and Death I adore every other line in this film. The music (Prokofiev) is also brilliant. The film is the perfect degree of touching and hysterical.

Boris: Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm dead.

Sonja: What's it like?

Boris: What's it like? You know the chicken at Tresky's Restaurant? It's worse.

Boris: I was walking through the woods, thinking about Christ. If He was a carpenter, I wondered what He charged for bookshelves.

Boris: Oh, if only God would give me some sign. If He would just speak to me once. Anything. One sentence. Two words. If He would just cough.

Boris: And so I walk through the valley of the shadow of death. Actually, make that "I run through the valley of the shadow of death" - in order to get OUT of the valley of the shadow of death more quickly, you see.

Sonja: And I want three children.

Boris: Yes. Yes. One of each.

2) Husbands and Wives

3) Deconstructing Harry

4) Crimes and Misdemeanors 

5) Hannah and Her Sisters

6) Manhattan

7) Manhattan Murder Mystery

8) Match Point

9) Bullets Over Broadway

10) Sleeper

11) Annie Hall

12) Everything You Wanted to Know about Sex but Were Afraid to Ask

Following this, I love others such as Stardust Memories, Bananas, Zelig, Midsummer Night's Sex Comedy, Mighty Aphrodite, Melinda and Melinda, Anything Else, Scoop, Midnight in Paris, Vicki Christina Barcelona
And then come ones I am not really interested in such as Don't Drink the Water and Picking Up the Pieces
I've not seen Cassandra's Dream and Irrational Man (2015) but I believe I've seen all his other major motion pictures. 

我心里有事

我心里有事。

最近都是那样。 奋斗奋斗， 和自己挣扎。 我哪里开心， 我哪里不开心？ 我什么都有， 我什么都没有。 说实话， 我什么都没有。 主要是， 我知道我需要奋斗，需要挣扎。 我已经有那种感觉我自己挣扎的挣扎的好久。 在我的生活当中，有三四个东西是最重要：身体，工作，爱情，家庭。。。我的身体很好，但是我没有保险。 我试过了报名这个美国保险，但是他们给我说我需要等到11月份。 好烦。 这是我第一次我没有保险， 我很害怕。 工作呢 - 我就是一个替代老师，没什么有意思。 说实话， 我的老板们都挺喜欢我了。 其他的老师都很惊讶， 我说我不是一个真正的老师。 后来我解释说， 我会中文， 会点德语， 是在国外住过那么长时间。 对我来说， 现在一点也没有一个终点站。 我不想放弃。 我不想找个伴结婚生孩子。我想奋斗，玩，谈恋爱，喜欢我的伤心的样子。 我好痛苦，但是有点喜欢。 伤心的样子的我也那么有意思因为你可以思考很多东西。我还在生活。 有时候我特别特别害怕我的未来， 因为我是一个女生。 在这个国家女生没有男生机会多。 而且， 我不是来自一个很富有的家庭。

钱什么时候能赚到手？ 货物什么时候到手？ 钱多多益善？ 有钱能使鬼推磨？

我对我自己特别严格。 我的要求非常高。 我什么都想要 - 我知道我想要的是什么， 我想一直追下去。 我不能往回走。 不能当老师在Bristol, 但是有领导们给我说过他们特别需要我这种人。 对啊， 因为我努力。 我要继续努力，一直到我实现我的梦想。 我喜欢一直乱七八糟的走下去。 我想要更多，妈的逼。