Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Wrapping up my time in Germany

I was re-reading my past blog posts and noticed how horrible I sounded toward the country of China. The posts were 100% for myself and my non-readership, and I really quite openly expressed hatred and annoyance that I would never publicly admit to.

I don't think I would behave or write in such a way now, even though I know that no one reads this blog. I just didn't realize how unhappy I actually was throughout my time in China and how I put that onto the country I was in and its people.

I love Germany but in around 3 weeks I will be heading back to the states. I am in a transitional period right now and such inner-disquietude pains me.  A lot has changed in the past 3 months. A lot has been done. For one, even though I started my 80-page master's thesis in May, the bulk of the work was put forth during the month of September. During that month, I worked only on my thesis. My boyfriend and I also discussed the imminent end of our two-year relationship. We knew, and I especially knew, that our relationship would be coming to a close, but I never intended on things ending before I departed from Germany. I pictured us being our normal, secure selves until I left for the US. At that time, we would have delivered our goodbyes, and they wouldn't have been tearful on either say.

Monday, December 1, 2014



我一定要坚持下去用到了我的中文。 天天都必须要用。 这算不上一个大的问题, 因为我已经说得够流利。 要坚持着个平衡。

我多么难说,有的多么多的时间想事。 我昨天才发现一个不好的习惯还是以个让我难受的一个事, 就是读财经报纸。 谁读一个财经报纸都会觉得心里难受。 我不想想投资和股权的事实。 也不想读中国的强势长大的未来。 我一读有些报纸就开始觉得生活的速度太快。 大家都要想哪里能投资哪里的经济好, 哪里的产品好, 哪里能做生意。 其实, 我无所谓了。 我现在一无所有但是还是满开心, 还是觉得我有的特别多也不想要有更多。有时候我可以感到别人的贪婪带狠的目光, 最好我什么都不说。 要暗淡一些,但是也不想要想起过去的沟沟坎坎。 这些还是都铭刻在我的心。


我最近的生活和一年以前特别不一样。 我现在的生活和六个月以前也完全不一样。 对我来说,我现在的生活是有点理想的。 当然有很多方面我想变,但是我慢慢在注意到我心里真的想要的是什么样的生活。 难怪我在老家的时候我那么郁闷。 我那时郁闷的样子是因为我没有工作, 但是也是因为我那时对我...