Saturday, November 29, 2014

The Passing of My Best Friend, Chelsea


I have yet to make a post concerning the death of Chelsea Wilson. One year and 65 days has passed, and, for me, while the shock has subsided and I can persist weeks without shedding a tear for her, I still think about her every day. My dreams are no longer colored with the darkness of her death turned to life again, or the imminent feeling of knowing she will die soon. I still dream of her, but in my dreams she seems to be a normal, living and breathing person.

The countless diary entries and words, thoughts I have had for her in the past year. I have shed so many tears, but most of them came during the time period of September 25, 2013 (the date of her death) to April 2014. Following April 2014, tears are no longer freely flying, and I think normal humans can recover from almost everything. That said, I think about her every, single day.

I now know I am so much like Chelsea, and this has only become evident in the past year or two.  Being honest and brash, and  I act in the same careless/crazy ways she did. Sometimes I pull this off with more finesse, or maybe she did. The unglaublich things she would tell me, and the ways I reckoned my life to somehow follow the same actions. It's something about the girl's wit and honesty that I am still trying to master.

We shared hobbies, fears, and goals,

If I could take you through Chelsea's death and everything I know and have experienced with Chelsea, it would take ages. To me, she was just that one very very special friend that remains close and precious. It is a cliche, really, but I love her dearly. She was a tremendously popular and smart girl, but I know how lonely she truly was.

The day after she died, on the airplane from Germany to the United States, I wrote her eulogy. I tried to watch The Great Gatsby as well as Louis C. K, but now even a tiny morsel of a laugh could not pass my lips. I simply could not concentrate. What I did more than anything was read her obituary. I think I have it memorized - I have read the thing so many times. It shock beyond anything I had ever experienced. The obituary is still online.

As for writing her eulogy, that came as keine große Problem. My words and feelings for her are abundant, and I only needed a 5 minute speech. What I most deeply felt was our childhood together. Yes, at the time of her death we were both 27 and seemingly closer than ever, but what I felt more profoundly than anything was our childhood and youth together. I remembered everything and felt our connection was extraordinary. Friends from the same block until the end.

I felt no anxiety about speaking in front of the crowd, only sadness and grief. Such a great, big grief that lasted and lasted. The day after her funeral, I maintain, was the worst day of my life. Before this funeral, I was full of worry but I was also anxious and could neither eat nor sleep. The plane ride from Frankfurt and the pick-up from Knoxville had to occur as well as the meetings with old friends and family that had also not occurred in years. The day after the funeral, however, I could not move. I could not function to put a t-shirt on my body or hang a piece of cloth within my closet. I was a bit hungover, but beyond that, the strength was gone knowing that my best friend in the world was truly dead.





最近的事嘛!

我浪费了太多的没有学中文的时间。

说什么好?

我知道了, 我可以谈到我今天学到的新的东西和最近发生的新的事情。 我刚刚看完了一个youtube视频, 说的是人类能在6个月内学到一个语言。 这个我完全相信, 但是我还看到了另一个youtube 视频让我感觉有点嫉妒。 有一个年轻的男生能说20多个语言。 我连续不断的听他说的每个语言。 很多听起来真的不错, 比如他的德语。 他说他才学了七个月的德语,但是我听到他的话我感觉听得多么顺利啊! 好像他的德语比我的好多。 我一看完这个视频我换到另一个视频谈的是人类有什么办法再学快一点! 可惜hypnopaedia都不是一个好的办法。 我学的什么都学得非常慢, 而且学得方法都是错的。

不管的吧。

我今天看完了一个小故事。 在这个小故事了 (夏日里有霜) 我已经学到的新的汉子。我看我能不能记下来哦。

麻木, 比如, 他麻木了
贪婪, 如, 可是他躲不开工队长贪婪带狼的目光。
铭刻, 如, 这么一个糟糕发生的事情会一直铭刻在我的心了。
攥, 他仅仅把钱攥在口袋里。
嘎嘎。。。这个一种声音, 好像的是像纸币的声音。
暗淡。。。在暗淡的灯光下。 sombre
摇晃。。。他摇晃着身子。 shake, sway, rock.

好吧, 说够了。 我说实话我现在在我的生活当中还是一直有一种不安的感觉。 焦虑与不安。 我看看我回国的时候能不能修理好一切。 我的问题就是我想找一个非常好的工作而且都想找了不起的东西, 但是我个人没有办法坚持下去然后好好干活。 是个问题。

两个星期后我就要回国。 我会把我自己定居在一个完全说英文的地方, 我怕我的语言能量会消失。 我还是一定要会找办法找我喜欢的工作, 我喜欢的房子, 而且一个机会学习更多的语言。 我也想吧我的吉他带回国,但是我恐怖不行的啦!

下次写我会用更豪华的语言给你们(谁) 表达我明天的hash run 还是有可能会谈的其他的话题! 今天就到这里了。

Und einmal auf Deutsch

Ich vergas was ich alles darüber geschreiben habe, aber es ist bestimmt besser als ich in Deutsch schrieben kann. Ich habe Deutschkurs 4 mal pro Woche, und, ja, ich höre viel und kann fast alles verstehen (Nachrichten, Vorlesungen und so weiter). Ich kann mich auszudrücken, aber Grammatik auf Deutsch ist schwerig und ich habe weniger Selbstbewussts wenn ich Deutsch spreche als Chinesesch.

Wenn mann sieht wie viel Deutsch ich tatsächlich gelernt habe (mehere Tausend Seiten) und hört und liest mein Deutsch, man wurden glauben, dass ich ganz dumm bin. Es ist ein Problem, aber in Deutschkurs alle Leute das selbe Problem haben. Ich denke, dass ich muss eine Lösung endlich finden.

Der Grund warum ich bin hier in Deutschland ist nicht einfact diese Master Program zu erreichen. Ich habe das schon gemacht, aber ich kam nach Deutschland weil ich möchte ein Europäisches Sprache lernen und das Leben in Europa zu erfahren. Ich habe so gemacht, und grundsätzlich Deutsch kenne ich schon.

Als ich gerade gesagt habe (aber in Chinesesch), ich muss zurück nach Amerika gehen und dort Arbeiten und alles zu erreichen. Amerika ist gut aber zum solche eines großes Stadt wie Washington DC wäre schwerig. Aber ich habe viele Möglichkeit wegen Verwannten und Freunden, und ich finde, dass ich muss dort gehen.

Heute ich habe diese Deutsches Wort kennengelernt

Jugendliche wachsen
Spielerei
mit etwas aufwachsen
jemanden befragen
ausgestatteten - equipped
weiterführenden Schule 

今天我要来说是我最近学到的东西

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