Thursday, July 9, 2009

Suffering - China Blocks Facebook/Twitter and anything meaningful in my life.

The reason I haven't posted in so long is because I couldn't access my Gblog in China, neither on my laptop or the desktop. I wondered if China blocked Gblog, but then, I would see no reason why. Hmm, then again, I have sufficiently bashed their country and declared the Chinese people hopelessly brainwashed.

I am back in the states now, and it feels fantastic. I am so blessed to live in such a powerful, clean country with non-backward policies. Yes, policies that are front-ward. China is crowded, dirty, polluted and full of Chinese people who gawk and stare. I lived in a city by myself for 5 months, and so I have the right to say whatever I want.

I have resigned myself to that anyway.

It breaks my heart that I can't feel loving and nurturing toward them, or most people for that matter, when all I want in life is to be kind. There is no fault in kindness, and it's not naivety. The problem is that I have seen too much of live - I have experienced more than most people have. What does that even mean? I have "experienced more." What a vague thing to say! Who even needs to experience the world?

I am infamous for my second-guessing. It's what I do best, that and my indecision. No absolutes, eh?

In America, I marvel over the beauty and the open blue skies and trees and emptiness. You can go out on the street and run for half a mile without seeing a soul, then you descend upon a man watering his flowers. Or you might see a woman wearing a tennis visor pushing a double-stroller. You might even say hi to these people. And their kids if they happen to be running about under the sprinkler. In China, you wake up because you hear something. What do you hear? Different noises - they vary from day-to-day. This is simply the difference between city life and country-life, and anyone in America living in a city would experience this. Yes, city-dwellers all wake to hammering and drilling for the new building next door, or children playing outside (b/c Lord knows school children must get up earlier than any working adult will ever have to, and I am glad those days are long over). But, the difference between living in Manhattan and even a "small-city" in China is huge. Everything bad and obnoxious wavers on the Chinese side. It's good you can get taxis though. Fuck China and its over-population problems and pollution. It's disgusting to those of us with an aesthetic eye. I want to be somewhere beautiful with someone beautiful and I want to be in love. Why am I no where near these things? So funny that right now I do happen to be near those things. I am right there. I am in beautiful America, and the person I love does live here. But instead, I choose ugliness. Why? Do I love to suffer?

I think I just don't want to give up the Chinese language.


我最近的生活和一年以前特别不一样。 我现在的生活和六个月以前也完全不一样。 对我来说,我现在的生活是有点理想的。 当然有很多方面我想变,但是我慢慢在注意到我心里真的想要的是什么样的生活。 难怪我在老家的时候我那么郁闷。 我那时郁闷的样子是因为我没有工作, 但是也是因为我那时对我...