Not a lot is going on this fine afternoon. At least the weather has warmed up. Last week was a dreadful chilly mess, and when Rod said, "They honeymoon is over for you," I had to disagree. There was no honeymoon. Everything has been dark, dreary and sad since I got off the plane, and not one day has gone by where I have no desperately missed my America.
So, no, there was no exciting honeymoon. There has been excitement. I am not so low as to say I am depressed beyond salvaging. Sure, I have friends and I have laughs. If what I had was considered a honeymoon, then it will only continue.
I have found that in my life, I look tremendously forward to the future. Let's start back to when I knew I had a future: Probably when I was in America and knew I was going to China. There was that. I looked tremendously forward to my time abroad, and when I was abroad, well, I can say that was a pause. Then, in Shanghai, I did not want to leave what I was doing. I felt truly and completely fulfilled, and that is the most fulfilled I have ever felt in the past 4 years. (Is it that we have a tendency to exaggerate hindsight or is this true? I think it is true.) In Shanghai, I was intellectually stimulated in just the right way (Chinese language classes), I had great friends (all international), and a great environment (Shanghai - a city with a subtle blend of East and West). The days before I left that city, I cried nightly in my apartment. I did not want to leave my experiences there.
Then came VA...good ole RVA. There, I looked forward to leaving Richmond and its high prices to return to Bristol to work for the summer. I felt nothing but anticipation throughout that dry last semester at college. Sure, my classes stimulated me (well, somewhat, there were those I hated and professors who were dull as dishwashers), and, sure, I had friends. But I was indeed lacking what I had in Shanghai, and I was forgetting Chinese faster than I could count. (True, I was forgetting how to count in the 10-thousands and 100-thousands and millions. Still, to this day I cannot remember and have not re-learned.) Then came this opportunity to teach here, in Suining, and I felt very excited. I wanted to get home, save money and let things work themselves out. And they did. I did exactly as I wanted to do in Bristol. God has graced me, I believe. Everything has always worked out so splendidly. Is this God or just my luck and good fortune or am I truly a gifted woman who can perfectly craft her future? I hope my good graces come from my own craft. Or do I hope for a God? Sorry to stray - let me continue. But, in Bristol, even though I had the two jobs I wanted there (office job and working with children), I longed for China. I longed to surely get my future started by learning Chinese. And now, here I am, and I can't wait to get out of it. But now, at last, I have something to look forward to...this summer.
At first I wanted to go home over the summer. Indeed, over the past 2 days I had tantilating fantasies about going home over this summer. I thought intensely about going on long, strenuous runs in my neighborhood. The hills....the long hills of Long Crescent and Glenway and the flat ground of statestreet. What perfect running territory! And what's more, people actually run in America. They don't sit on their asses outside and drink tea and smoke cigarettes (Chinese people reference). I would not feel like an insecure asshole running around in a sportsbra and blue New Balance. And New Balance I could trust! Brands! Names! Labels! Cameras! Everything in America is trustworthy, and I love that country.
But no - I cannot return home sweet home. Would cost too much money, especially when you put my other plans into consideration. Listen to this mess:
I now want to learn Chinese this summer
After teaching next year, I want to study in Taiwan at an expensive school
The school would propel my Chinese language to a native level
I cannot afford such a school!!
I will be 24 by the time I am finished.
Am I too old for this?
No...I am young.
But how...how how how...will I make money? Money money money.
There is also thought, after that, of going to Johns Hopkins Graduate School in Nanjing.
More money money money, and this time more money.
How can I make money?
I would of course have to find a job...a teaching job.
But I want a company job.
I want to do something big and real!
But if only...if only if only if only if only...I could become fluent in Chinese.
Suining sucks.
And then, on the other hand, I need to calm the fuck down. All I have is now. It's just like Lee in Husbands and Wives...I will see what the next few months bring.
Oh yeah, I'll probably just go to Yangshuo and teach English there. I guess that could help me make some money. I need to have 10,000 US dollars saved by the time I want to go to school in Taiwan. And I don't have to go to school in Taiwan. I could always teach myself Chinese and save money in the meantime. And then try to get into a good graduate school in the states or at least find a good company job.
God, why is all this riding on me right now? Why can I do nothing but look to the future? Why 3 months ago I thought this - right here right now right here in Suining teaching English - was my future. I thought this was what I would love. And I do love it, and I am doing exactly, EXACT-FUCKING-LY what I want to do. I am studying Chinese for free and teaching with a great fucking salary. Why can I not be content in life? Life is a constant struggle. If it weren't a struggle we would cease to exist.
I am going to a temple now to walk around and think and adore the Chinese countryside and Chinese culture and those sorts of things.
So, no, there was no exciting honeymoon. There has been excitement. I am not so low as to say I am depressed beyond salvaging. Sure, I have friends and I have laughs. If what I had was considered a honeymoon, then it will only continue.
I have found that in my life, I look tremendously forward to the future. Let's start back to when I knew I had a future: Probably when I was in America and knew I was going to China. There was that. I looked tremendously forward to my time abroad, and when I was abroad, well, I can say that was a pause. Then, in Shanghai, I did not want to leave what I was doing. I felt truly and completely fulfilled, and that is the most fulfilled I have ever felt in the past 4 years. (Is it that we have a tendency to exaggerate hindsight or is this true? I think it is true.) In Shanghai, I was intellectually stimulated in just the right way (Chinese language classes), I had great friends (all international), and a great environment (Shanghai - a city with a subtle blend of East and West). The days before I left that city, I cried nightly in my apartment. I did not want to leave my experiences there.
Then came VA...good ole RVA. There, I looked forward to leaving Richmond and its high prices to return to Bristol to work for the summer. I felt nothing but anticipation throughout that dry last semester at college. Sure, my classes stimulated me (well, somewhat, there were those I hated and professors who were dull as dishwashers), and, sure, I had friends. But I was indeed lacking what I had in Shanghai, and I was forgetting Chinese faster than I could count. (True, I was forgetting how to count in the 10-thousands and 100-thousands and millions. Still, to this day I cannot remember and have not re-learned.) Then came this opportunity to teach here, in Suining, and I felt very excited. I wanted to get home, save money and let things work themselves out. And they did. I did exactly as I wanted to do in Bristol. God has graced me, I believe. Everything has always worked out so splendidly. Is this God or just my luck and good fortune or am I truly a gifted woman who can perfectly craft her future? I hope my good graces come from my own craft. Or do I hope for a God? Sorry to stray - let me continue. But, in Bristol, even though I had the two jobs I wanted there (office job and working with children), I longed for China. I longed to surely get my future started by learning Chinese. And now, here I am, and I can't wait to get out of it. But now, at last, I have something to look forward to...this summer.
At first I wanted to go home over the summer. Indeed, over the past 2 days I had tantilating fantasies about going home over this summer. I thought intensely about going on long, strenuous runs in my neighborhood. The hills....the long hills of Long Crescent and Glenway and the flat ground of statestreet. What perfect running territory! And what's more, people actually run in America. They don't sit on their asses outside and drink tea and smoke cigarettes (Chinese people reference). I would not feel like an insecure asshole running around in a sportsbra and blue New Balance. And New Balance I could trust! Brands! Names! Labels! Cameras! Everything in America is trustworthy, and I love that country.
But no - I cannot return home sweet home. Would cost too much money, especially when you put my other plans into consideration. Listen to this mess:
I now want to learn Chinese this summer
After teaching next year, I want to study in Taiwan at an expensive school
The school would propel my Chinese language to a native level
I cannot afford such a school!!
I will be 24 by the time I am finished.
Am I too old for this?
No...I am young.
But how...how how how...will I make money? Money money money.
There is also thought, after that, of going to Johns Hopkins Graduate School in Nanjing.
More money money money, and this time more money.
How can I make money?
I would of course have to find a job...a teaching job.
But I want a company job.
I want to do something big and real!
But if only...if only if only if only if only...I could become fluent in Chinese.
Suining sucks.
And then, on the other hand, I need to calm the fuck down. All I have is now. It's just like Lee in Husbands and Wives...I will see what the next few months bring.
Oh yeah, I'll probably just go to Yangshuo and teach English there. I guess that could help me make some money. I need to have 10,000 US dollars saved by the time I want to go to school in Taiwan. And I don't have to go to school in Taiwan. I could always teach myself Chinese and save money in the meantime. And then try to get into a good graduate school in the states or at least find a good company job.
God, why is all this riding on me right now? Why can I do nothing but look to the future? Why 3 months ago I thought this - right here right now right here in Suining teaching English - was my future. I thought this was what I would love. And I do love it, and I am doing exactly, EXACT-FUCKING-LY what I want to do. I am studying Chinese for free and teaching with a great fucking salary. Why can I not be content in life? Life is a constant struggle. If it weren't a struggle we would cease to exist.
I am going to a temple now to walk around and think and adore the Chinese countryside and Chinese culture and those sorts of things.
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