Been keeping to myself

I have been keeping to myself a lot lately. I don't have any desire to go out and socialize. The only reason I would ever want to hang out with Chinese people is to improve my Chinese, and, I guess that is a good reason. I do, after all, want to become fluent in the language. Such a predicament. Anyhow, I can't very well remain cooped up in my apartment. I am forced to go out every day and talk to Chinese people, although my conversations are not as long and extensive as they would be were a feeling more social.

Actually, I have been watching movies and writing and reading and listening to music a lot. Right now I am listening to Bach F Minor Concerto - mainly because that was what was playing in Hannah and Her Sisters (a movie I have now watched twice since it's arrival from my parents' package). It really is so beautiful.

Another thing I have been doing is going to the gym a lot. I must say I am in fantastic shape and can run for miles. Last week I ran for an hour straight on the treadmill - almost 12 kilometers. The next day I was quite sore, but I have decided I will make this a routine...an hour on the treadmill a week. I work out about 5-6 times a week, every time running 5 kilometers. And I can do 5 pull-ups and lift quite a bit of weight. I guess I have nothing else to do, and it really makes me feel so much better to run...running really pulls me out of my depression. I feel I have a great stride, and I don't feel tired, and really, I just feel exhilirated. Anyway. At least I have that.

I am increasingly annoyed by being here. I have been asking myself lately, "What the FUCK am I doing here? Why am I in China? Why..."

You know...I don't know what to do to pull myself out of this depression. I have tried calling friends, but I have severed several relationships just since my arriving. I guess I would not say "severed," but they just are not the same anymore. I just don't know who to talk to about my feelings, and I have so many things to do. I have so many things that need to be said quickly, and also, some not-nice things to say. This is why I cannot talk about my feelings with a Chinese person. I am too worried about offending them.

Today I am annoyed at my boss. He told me...yes told me...that we would be meeting at 3 for lunch, and now, he has sent me a message saying, "Oh I can't meet at 3. We will have to meet at 5, see you then!" As if I don't have any other plans. This outrages me. Maybe Chinese people here in small-town Suining don't do anything, but I do!!!! I know I just said I didn't, but I guess it is the principle of the thing. You should ask if a person is free. You shouldn't demand time with that person. That's what we do in America.

I have cried many times today. I cried upon reading and EE Cummings poem about love, I cried during a Woody Allen movie about love, and I cried just thinking about...love and things. I miss America. I love America, and no one understands me. I mope around, hoping people will look at me and notice the sad American girl. Gosh she must be homesick. She probably misses her friends and family. She probably cannot tolerate Chinese life any more. She's tired of the mess, the pollution, the grotesqueness of the city, the distress and the eager, annoying people. I am tired.

I did this to myself. Of course I did. This is no body's fault but mine. I wish to God I would have gone to Shanghai, Beijing, or even Chengdu. But, no, my over-idealistic notions told me that the best way to learn Chinese would be to go to a small-time city in the middle of nowhere. I rationalized that I would have an incredible, eye-opening experience. I did not reason my own feelings. God...the head and the heart are in such opposition. "In my case they aren't even friendly."

What do I do now? I have overspent my money...but I always have more money to spend. I could buy a new, second camera. I have been wanting a smaller one, but then I would get upset and depressed to tears again because of the outrageous price and horrible quality. It's true - Rod, the Englishman, bought a small Canon camera for 1600. Extortionate! In America, the same camera would run for about 130 US dollars or 800-somethign RMB. And who is to know if the Chinks are ripping us off?

I have been telling myself that maybe I should find a boyfriend. But I just can't find any at all whatsoever anywher in this whole, godforsaken city that interest me. I need a strong, tall, professional man who does not smoke cigarettes and who does not think that black is the inferior color. It disgusts me that I chose a country where they have been taught about superior races. Racism is engrained, and it disgusted me when I student commented how "ugly" Rihanna is because she, "doesn't like that type." She liked the pale "types."

Cast a pall.